Hello there, i’ve been wanting to make a post that’s just for me, no poems, no stories, just me but i’ve been putting it off then yesterday I read that 50 shades of bullshit and the anger in my soul pushed me to post this. I’m going to rant if you don’t want to read it, just close it now please.
I’m sorry, may God forgive me for what i’m about to say, the publisher of that book is/was quite jobless, the author obviously was horny and needed a way to let off steam, that book (it’s not worthy to be called a novel) has no story line, just stupid bouts of sex that I don’t want to imagine, how will you have sex with a woman on her period ?? It’s blood from her vagina for Lord’s sake, how do you get off on tying people up and “spanking” them or inflicting pain on them ? I’m sorry can someone explain this to me because as #TeamVirginTillChristComes I don’t understand this weird concept. I mean camman, the gods of fanta see this as strange and impure. My husband wouldn’t dare do something that stupid, Sango will rip off his balls without anesthesia, period time is ME time, not us time; ME !!! so if for some weird reason my husband attempts this nons̶e̶n̶s̶e̶ he’ll sorely miss his balls.
Which brings me to the issue of future husbands. I have a set of rules/pleas for you if you’re reading this. Please adhere to these rules/pleas.
• I don’t like big things and all, I don’t like too much spending of money so you can buy me a small engagement ring, I don’t know how they count all these things, 100-karat diamond and shi’ i’m not about the big things please. Just use the money and buy me a truck load of fanta instead. Thank you. I love you very much and the gods of fanta will bless you.
• Our wedding can be small I don’t mind, anything your money can get us bae, it’s our wedding, no need to show off and drink garri for a long while after our wedding. Not that I won’t drink garri with you :*
PS No joint accounts BIKO, we are one, not our accounts.
• Separate bedrooms BIKO, i’ll be crashing in yours all the time but there may come a time when we might annoy each other and I might want to stay in my bedroom and sulk.
• We aren’t working in the same office; no reason for this but we are not doing it ( ˘˘̯)
• In-laws shall not live with us, tufiakwa, girls are looking for husband, I need to safeguard you, if I looseguard anyhow, you’ll miss. Native doctors can now teleport humans, no jokes. + I can’t have your mother/father/sister/cousins/grandmother watching my every move. mbanu !!
• We will have at least 5 children, I don’t care what sequence but best believe there’ll be a boy there somewhere or two boys.
• There will not be any form of strange sex deeds in our house that will involve toys. The day you’ll attempt it is the day you’ll lose your anal virginity, I promise you 🙂
• If for some strange reason, my food doesn’t taste as good as your mother’s own, tell me. I’ll find her and she’ll teach me how to please her baby boy, I don’t mind at all as far as you’re happy, I can even pound yam for you. All for love baby boy.
• I can’t marry a bad dresser but if the gods of fanta bless you with charm that blinds me to your bad dressing, please, mbok, allow me to advice you on how to dress, be my Ken, ;;) i’ll be your Barbie, figure 8 and coke bottle shi’.
• Share your problems please, no matter how big I want to know, enjoy together ? Suffer together. But if your secretary/anyone is pregnant for you, Nna it’s still our problem but hide her because I will kill her, slowly and with great pleasure, heartbreak and knives don’t work well bae.
• Cuddling; that’s the shit I love, remember, clubbing/partying; that’s the shi’ I don’t like, a quiet dinner boo. We’ll just club once in a while that’s if you want to.
I can’t remember anything again dear future husband, I will do another post for you and our future children because the boys might decide they want to become like Mr Christian Grey and the girls might want to be like Ms Anastasia Steele. So I shall continue this post with their own rules,
If you’re still reading this you’re as jobless as me and you need a new hobby.
Bye.
• Ogbogu Chizoba Ogenna ©
• Autora™
Autora 