I can’t

Choking up. Breaking out.
Can’t let it out. I’m dying here.
This place isn’t mine.
I’m running out of options.

Trying to change me.
Leave me and my inner demons.
My friends, my companions.
Your angels, don’t haze me.

Hate, so deep.
Withdrawal.
Tired of the pretence.
Going home.

These blades never looked good enough.
I’m leaving my body. My soul is unbalanced.
I can’t cry. These words won’t come.
Stuck in my head. They’re bleeding from my ears.

Crossed legs, closed eyes.
Sniffles and pain. Heartbreak and pins.
Salt lake on my face.
Alone. So alone.

Red so red.
Doesn’t. Can never.
Bind. Hopelessness.
I don’t have any more words.

Fuck you and your happiness.
I can’t claw out of this hole.
I’m dying. Alone.
I hate you. Just leave.
Leave me alone.

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Empty

Alone. I’m so alone.
No happiness. No sadness
No emotions at all.
I feel nothing.
Sitting at the village square.
I’m human. Just another human.
Empty.

Alone.  I’m so alone.
No hugs for this palm tree.
No one loves nature anymore.
These tears can’t come. No moisture in me.
Understand me. You did this.
I’ve lost my words now. I have nothing.
Empty.

Alone. I’m so alone.
Blood does not bind. It clouds.
Help me. Pull me out.
I’m in too deep. Rolling in the deep.
Kindle a fire. I’m enshrined in ice.
In this igloo of indifference.
Empty.

Alone. I’m so alone.
You’ve robbed me of my innocence.
I’ve grown too fast. An adult of circumstance.
Cutting my black skin, red blood over my white knuckles.
Tiny slices, my body is drained of my life’s blood.
Empty.

Alone. I’m so alone.
Fire and brimstone. Evil and pain.
Eyes of insanity.
I wear my madness like a badge of honour.
It has become my shield.
These demons are here.  Hell is;
Empty.

Psycho

Because I love black.

Black pristine over gold goofy.
Warm tingly liquid all over me.
No blood on me. I’m no Buffy.
Black on black on black on me.

Down to my souls. bi-soular.
Polar ? Support to these people.
So serious, no bubbles, no cola.
Down, tense. Hope to the crippled.

Boiling over, inside out.
Black void, black blood.
Spilling over, cussing me out.
For all eternity, rolling in mud.

So silent, fluttering of moths.
Amplified quiet, white noise.
Crystal clear, barrage of thoughts.
Going under, in your river of joy.
Seeing black, on black, on me.

Autora

Red

This is a short story, I haven’t written anything in a while, just wanted to drop this here, it’s fictional so I’ll appreciate your comments. Thank you.

I’ve always been there, a statue, never changing, never moving, the ever-reliable Jo-Lynn, the last child of my parents, why am I like this, why was I born calm? There’s no fire in me, no anger, no passion, no desire to react, no zeal to be more why am I Jo-Lynn?
He hit me for the first time when I was six years old; a belt buckle is harder than it looks y’know? It can split your skin; you can feel the pain in your bones, why would she let him hit me like this? Did she hate me? Does she hate me still? I don’t know, I’ve never known, hate is such a strong word but appropriate, she watched him hit me, again and again and again with no plea from her, she said I deserved it, I was to be seen but not heard, why does he hate me so ? My brothers and sisters? They look at me with scorn and anger, with spiteful tears in their eyes, wishing me death, a fate even worse than death.
I am a product of rape, a mistake they said, a failed abortion, bad-blood runs through my veins, blood from a criminal, I think he has bad taste and was un-naturally horny, I mean my mother is no beauty, I look too good to be hers, apparently she doesn’t hide the details from me, he was fine I suppose, dashing even, my father I mean. They told me who I was or still am when I was ten, the real me, who my father was, I guess I don’t deserve love or kindness, I’m a mud-blood; dirty.
I got sent to school, very beautiful experience, I was a loner, be seen and not heard, I did just that, “never speak to anyone unless spoken to”, that was my motto. Valedictorian, Best graduating student, beautiful job, the hatred still from my family, the anger at my success, the pain at my joy,” keep moving, never stop”. My other motto.
It hurt to look at him, he was so handsome, so beautiful, I have no mama, and so no one warned me about his type, I was a virgin for lack of opportunity, who would want to do the class freak? He said the right words at the right time, did the right things at the right time, it was too good to be true, I don’t deserve this, this happiness, I’m a mud-blood, I bring anger, pain, sorrow, why does he love me? We would wait till my wedding night he said, sent from heaven, my husband now.
Ice-Lynn, he called me, “cold as ice”, he said. “So cool, so reserved, no passion, no fire, no response, even in our bedroom”, he said to his friends. “A bore to me really”. Ice melts, the dam broke, my ice turned to tears, his words kindled a fire in me, an unquenchable fire, I tried to learn, to please him, how does ice turn to fire in such a short time, no more numb, no more composed.
I got home early today, his car was parked outside, these shoes, they look familiar, so familiar… They were having sex in our bed, the whore, the whore who begot me, the whore who made me into ice, who killed all feelings I have ever had, she looked at me in the eyes and smiled, he hadn’t seen me yet, kept on going at her, like his life depended on it.
A belt buckle is harder than it looks y’know? It will crack a skull if hit with anger and rage, the blood, so red, beautiful color, someone said it shows confidence when worn, I was wearing red now, my husband kept looking at me, so quiet now, he was in shock I suppose, I started taking off my clothes slowly, wiping the blood from my hands on my cheeks, smearing the blood on my skin, now he can see the fire in me, the passion, we made love in her blood, smeared all over us, slowly, building up, then fast, then slow again, so much fulfillment, so much joy.
Death gives me fire, I need fire to keep my husband, have you offended me? Have you made me sad? If yes, then you’re on my list, might not be the next but you’re on my list still.

Achilles’ heel

Shadow of myself. Behind your other girls.
Trying to make you love me. Drowning in deluded illusions.
You can do no wrong, my own perfection.
The reason for my creation. A known fact or a question ?

Born to bring peace. Made to bring you happiness.
Wishing it was me, not you in pain.
Praying for you to a foreign god. All for you, I kneel.
Dissolving in my own blood. Letting it go just for you.

Opening myself to you as she does the same.
Just talk to me, I don’t need you to love me.
You’re my addiction, my only weakness.
I want your pain, the tears inside it.

I want you to be happy, for your smile to light me up.
Here’s my heart, dash it into a million pieces. My sacrifice to make.
It’s useless anyway, I can love no other.
I’m yours forever, yours truly baby boy.

Dying now, slowly.
With a smile, your smile on my mind,
Dying happy, with joy.
Not us against the world, just you and her.
Your last words in my heart; I’m fine.

Cursed

Cursed, cursed. That’s what I am.
No talent, you mock me.
Hateful, so hateful, laughing at me.
I keep falling, failing at each turn.
Tired, pull me up, take me home.
Home to my father, Up.
Pain at your words, stop. Stop. Please.
I’m somebody, I’m important.
I am better than dust, more than just your dog.
I am a painter. A lifter.
I will paint you a picture with my words.
Lift these words off my brain.
A slow trail of lines, bloody lines,
Long lines, strong ropes.
Painting my red ballad on my wrists.
Dropping on your canvas; this cruel earth.
One last line, this rope. On my neck.
Lifting myself, to my father ?
Away from him ?
I am a painter. A painter gone to dust.