Enough

And I wasn’t enough
They took and took and took some more.
Until all that was left of me was a husk of my former soul
But I couldn’t be what they wanted.
They wanted a rainbow but I was just blue.
They wanted a galaxy, I was just one star.
They wanted sunshine,  I was just … sunshine.
But I still wasn’t enough even though I was just what they wanted.
They said I was too bright.
They wanted a desert, I was just one grain of sand.
They said a storm would cool their hatred for me.
I squeezed myself until I imploded but I was just one drop.

MoonChild,
Ada di ora mma,
Daughter of the gods,
Descendant of goddesses.
Royalty flows in your blood;
Blue blooded from birth.
Who made you doubt whom you are ?
Who tore down your self confidence ?
Who dared try to break down what the gods put together ?
You are life.
Look at the way your skin glows.
Dark as the fertile lands from which we survive.
Don’t you know ? You don’t ?
Look at the way your hips sway,
Like the winds sway the tree.
You are a life force.
Mother of nations.
Look them in the eye and tell them who you are.
As you dance to the music in the wind
As the world plays her symphony around you.
As your father and his father before play their flutes for you.
As the sweat rolls off you like waterfalls.
Dig the balls of your feet into the soil and claim what is yours.
You are the earth and she is you.
But never forget.
You are death too,
Take your wrath out on those who seek to destroy you.
Become the water which they seek
Let the waters take them
And let it drown them.
Shine bright like the sun.
Burn their hatred for you
Burn their hatred and them with it.
Reduce them to ashes.
Deserts the colour of your palms will roll off your skin, bury them in your sand Ada’m.
Bury them in yourself.
You are the land and she is you.
But; you can never be a rainbow, Nne’m.
You are Blue-blooded.
Do not ever taint your blood with mediocrity to please the world.
You are enough, you are more than enough.

Sunshine

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Roses

Another one of my quick writings.
This one of for Barakat, one of the best writers I know.

I looked and looked and found nothing wrong.
I hoped for a flaw and picked nothing up.
God’s gift to me. Christmas in a human.
Who said damaged girls had no happiness ?

We talked and loved and all things nice.
We fought, argued and made up in the end.
My bestfriend, my soulmate, better half of me.
God bless you for loving me.

Date nights and movies.
Hugs and hidden kisses.
Back seat sex and protection.
I want it legal.

I said yes, we’re married now.
Living together, sharing each other.
I’m walking on sunshine
Could life get any better ?

No. Life is getting worse.
You’re changing, you’re blackening my face.
Every other day something goes wrong.
You’re killing me, you’re hurting me.

Where did all the love go ?
You promised forever.
I love you, I forgive you.
Thank you for the flowers.

The roses’ thorns draw blood.
I can’t cry, I’m out of tears.
I have no children to hold as I grieve.
My barren womb has rejected your seed.

More roses. Every other day.
The scents turn to odors.
It’s become a habit to you.
You’ve planted me a garden of sorrow.

I love you, I’d die for you.
I can’t leave you, you need me.
Hit me again and again.
Draw blood if it makes you happy.

Throw me further into this abyss of self hate.
I don’t need to love myself,
Loving you is enough for me.
You’re the reason for my existence now

My chest hurts, my heart is stopping.
I’m dying and I’m sad.
I’m sad because you’re crying.
Be happy, I can finally watch over you.

Heaven is calling.
Say your final words.
On the morrow I leave.
Do me a favor ?
Bury me with a single rose.

Catalyst

Day after day, months after month.
Waiting for it to get better.
It’ll be fine in the end they said.
There’s no end for me.

Spiraling in this black hole that is forever.
Aging at the speed of light.
Gotten old in the blink of an eye.
Give me my childhood back.

My laughter has turned to cackles.
A maid with false teeth and no smiles.
No aid. Stop explaining.
I’m fine. I’m perfect.

No tears for me. My soul has dried up.
Tear glands are clogged with dust from my brittle bones.
Bending over from the load.
The people I lean on grow weary of me.

I lend my cackle to the troubled so they might laugh. Making them happy.
I dance with my shaky knees to their amusements.  At my demise.
Dancing in the rain. Drops of my tears past.
Say hi to me; catalyst to your happiness.
Leaving in a bit so say bye to me.

Red

This is a short story, I haven’t written anything in a while, just wanted to drop this here, it’s fictional so I’ll appreciate your comments. Thank you.

I’ve always been there, a statue, never changing, never moving, the ever-reliable Jo-Lynn, the last child of my parents, why am I like this, why was I born calm? There’s no fire in me, no anger, no passion, no desire to react, no zeal to be more why am I Jo-Lynn?
He hit me for the first time when I was six years old; a belt buckle is harder than it looks y’know? It can split your skin; you can feel the pain in your bones, why would she let him hit me like this? Did she hate me? Does she hate me still? I don’t know, I’ve never known, hate is such a strong word but appropriate, she watched him hit me, again and again and again with no plea from her, she said I deserved it, I was to be seen but not heard, why does he hate me so ? My brothers and sisters? They look at me with scorn and anger, with spiteful tears in their eyes, wishing me death, a fate even worse than death.
I am a product of rape, a mistake they said, a failed abortion, bad-blood runs through my veins, blood from a criminal, I think he has bad taste and was un-naturally horny, I mean my mother is no beauty, I look too good to be hers, apparently she doesn’t hide the details from me, he was fine I suppose, dashing even, my father I mean. They told me who I was or still am when I was ten, the real me, who my father was, I guess I don’t deserve love or kindness, I’m a mud-blood; dirty.
I got sent to school, very beautiful experience, I was a loner, be seen and not heard, I did just that, “never speak to anyone unless spoken to”, that was my motto. Valedictorian, Best graduating student, beautiful job, the hatred still from my family, the anger at my success, the pain at my joy,” keep moving, never stop”. My other motto.
It hurt to look at him, he was so handsome, so beautiful, I have no mama, and so no one warned me about his type, I was a virgin for lack of opportunity, who would want to do the class freak? He said the right words at the right time, did the right things at the right time, it was too good to be true, I don’t deserve this, this happiness, I’m a mud-blood, I bring anger, pain, sorrow, why does he love me? We would wait till my wedding night he said, sent from heaven, my husband now.
Ice-Lynn, he called me, “cold as ice”, he said. “So cool, so reserved, no passion, no fire, no response, even in our bedroom”, he said to his friends. “A bore to me really”. Ice melts, the dam broke, my ice turned to tears, his words kindled a fire in me, an unquenchable fire, I tried to learn, to please him, how does ice turn to fire in such a short time, no more numb, no more composed.
I got home early today, his car was parked outside, these shoes, they look familiar, so familiar… They were having sex in our bed, the whore, the whore who begot me, the whore who made me into ice, who killed all feelings I have ever had, she looked at me in the eyes and smiled, he hadn’t seen me yet, kept on going at her, like his life depended on it.
A belt buckle is harder than it looks y’know? It will crack a skull if hit with anger and rage, the blood, so red, beautiful color, someone said it shows confidence when worn, I was wearing red now, my husband kept looking at me, so quiet now, he was in shock I suppose, I started taking off my clothes slowly, wiping the blood from my hands on my cheeks, smearing the blood on my skin, now he can see the fire in me, the passion, we made love in her blood, smeared all over us, slowly, building up, then fast, then slow again, so much fulfillment, so much joy.
Death gives me fire, I need fire to keep my husband, have you offended me? Have you made me sad? If yes, then you’re on my list, might not be the next but you’re on my list still.

Daddy’s little girl

Ikana, I don’t know you really well but I know your pain, i’ve lost someone who’s like a dad to me, the pain just keeps going round your body. Numbing you, I don’t know.

Early morning drives to school,
Kissing skinned knees and acting tough.
Taking me out for a drive because I look sad.
Icecream on a Sunday afternoon after church.
Surprises out of the blues.
The best gifts.
My 5&6
Less nagging,
Lenient mind.
My first love, my superman, my hero.
My bestfriend, My father.

We’re little girls still,
Why should we suffer like this ?

Daddy’s little girl forever and a day
Please God don’t take my hero away
So lonely, so cold, tired of these songs
Play something else, get out the gongs.
Sing about me, I’m dying of pain.
My heart is breaking, going insane.
I want my daddy back, I want my hero back.
Can you hear me God, have you turned your back ?
Answer me, give me a sign, say something.
Don’t let me go, say something, anything.
I’m a sinner, forgive me, do me this favor.
My world has gone black, give me my colour
My knees are scraped, my hands hurt.
Praying to you God, a miracle have I sought.
Show me you love me, the love I hear about.
Give him back, I want him, I need him. I can’t go without.
I can’t cry, my mind is numb, help me.
My heart’s bleeding, do something, save me.
I can’t go through with this, i’m just a little girl.
Get me out of this dream, i’m just a little girl.
I’m still my daddy’s little girl.
Don’t let my daddy go away.
Please God.

RIP Ikana’s dad.
God knows best.

Au†ora

Change

These hands protected me, now you hit me with them.
These lips kissed my tears, you hurl bad words now at me.
Your fingers brushed my hair back, now you drag me with them.
Where did i go wrong ?
Why do you hate me so ?
You say it’s the last time and I pray for it to be.
I can’t be mad at you.
My heart won’t let me.
But you hit me again and again.
It hurts. I won’t lie.
But I love you, I love you so much it hurts.
Pain is pleasure.
I will endure,
But for how long ?
These tears keep entering my cuts.
Reminding me of your cruelty.
This pain and pity, it’s like cancer.
Eating away at my soul, killing me.
You killed our baby before she lived
With your fists, your hands.
The hands that held me while we made her.
You killed our future.
This is the last straw.
I’m too weak to fight.
I’m dying slowly, the pain is eating out my heart.
It seizes to pump blood.
The hurt makes me older and frail.
Bright lights have come to guide me home,
Home to our daughter.
I couldn’t take a stand, i’m taking a sit now.
In heaven if God pleases.
Goodbye.

Au†ora

New Dawn

I dread the break of dawn.

A new day for the pain.

I used to dread it as a child.

Now I want the darkness.

Wrapped in a cocoon.

A new day means waking up.

Talking to people,

They misunderstand.

I hide my tears, my pain.

I turn my frown upside down.

Act strong and indifferent.

Look at me and scoff.

“She’ll never make her father proud.”

“The lost one.”

“Dressing like a boy.”

“Acting like a rake.”

“Driving around like the devil is after her”

“Will she ever get married.”

“Drinking like her father.”

“How will this bear children.”

“Will she make a good mother”

Questions. Conclusions.

The black sheep.

I want this blackness.

Wrap it around me.

I don’t want to see.

The tears should blind me.

Their words are hurting.

Their eyes are cutting.

Keep the dawn at bay.

1 wish. In my bed, buried.

In darkness.

No humans, just my thoughts,

Dreams and nightmares..