Catalyst

Day after day, months after month.
Waiting for it to get better.
It’ll be fine in the end they said.
There’s no end for me.

Spiraling in this black hole that is forever.
Aging at the speed of light.
Gotten old in the blink of an eye.
Give me my childhood back.

My laughter has turned to cackles.
A maid with false teeth and no smiles.
No aid. Stop explaining.
I’m fine. I’m perfect.

No tears for me. My soul has dried up.
Tear glands are clogged with dust from my brittle bones.
Bending over from the load.
The people I lean on grow weary of me.

I lend my cackle to the troubled so they might laugh. Making them happy.
I dance with my shaky knees to their amusements.  At my demise.
Dancing in the rain. Drops of my tears past.
Say hi to me; catalyst to your happiness.
Leaving in a bit so say bye to me.

I can’t

Choking up. Breaking out.
Can’t let it out. I’m dying here.
This place isn’t mine.
I’m running out of options.

Trying to change me.
Leave me and my inner demons.
My friends, my companions.
Your angels, don’t haze me.

Hate, so deep.
Withdrawal.
Tired of the pretence.
Going home.

These blades never looked good enough.
I’m leaving my body. My soul is unbalanced.
I can’t cry. These words won’t come.
Stuck in my head. They’re bleeding from my ears.

Crossed legs, closed eyes.
Sniffles and pain. Heartbreak and pins.
Salt lake on my face.
Alone. So alone.

Red so red.
Doesn’t. Can never.
Bind. Hopelessness.
I don’t have any more words.

Fuck you and your happiness.
I can’t claw out of this hole.
I’m dying. Alone.
I hate you. Just leave.
Leave me alone.

Psycho

Because I love black.

Black pristine over gold goofy.
Warm tingly liquid all over me.
No blood on me. I’m no Buffy.
Black on black on black on me.

Down to my souls. bi-soular.
Polar ? Support to these people.
So serious, no bubbles, no cola.
Down, tense. Hope to the crippled.

Boiling over, inside out.
Black void, black blood.
Spilling over, cussing me out.
For all eternity, rolling in mud.

So silent, fluttering of moths.
Amplified quiet, white noise.
Crystal clear, barrage of thoughts.
Going under, in your river of joy.
Seeing black, on black, on me.

Autora

Beautiful

Can’t say the circumstances behind these words because I don’t know them.
I don’t know the source of these words.
I wrote this in like 1 minute.
I need your opinion on it.
Talk to me.

Beautiful, cold, dark.
Euphoria is intoxicating.
Silent as death, stolen screams.
Graveyard chills.
Are you intoxicated ?

Dragged in the night,
So black, air so still.
Slice through with your uncertainty.
Limp, dead weight on your chest.
Fear. Can you feel it ?

Moisture on your palms.
Zombie butterflies in your belly.
Weak knees, hyperventilating.
Chills down your spine.
Living to die ?

Dusk has fallen.
Dare to pick it up ?
The life you talk about. Dare to live it.
When the sun goes down.
Leave the protection of your shadow.

I can smell your fear,
You’ve never felt pain.
Ready for the ride ? Merge with me.
I’ll share my pain with you.
The chills, the fire, the agony.

One and the same.
Identical hearts.
Blood pumping at the same rate.
Same words, same stance.
“I fear no one, I am darkness.”

Daddy’s little girl

Ikana, I don’t know you really well but I know your pain, i’ve lost someone who’s like a dad to me, the pain just keeps going round your body. Numbing you, I don’t know.

Early morning drives to school,
Kissing skinned knees and acting tough.
Taking me out for a drive because I look sad.
Icecream on a Sunday afternoon after church.
Surprises out of the blues.
The best gifts.
My 5&6
Less nagging,
Lenient mind.
My first love, my superman, my hero.
My bestfriend, My father.

We’re little girls still,
Why should we suffer like this ?

Daddy’s little girl forever and a day
Please God don’t take my hero away
So lonely, so cold, tired of these songs
Play something else, get out the gongs.
Sing about me, I’m dying of pain.
My heart is breaking, going insane.
I want my daddy back, I want my hero back.
Can you hear me God, have you turned your back ?
Answer me, give me a sign, say something.
Don’t let me go, say something, anything.
I’m a sinner, forgive me, do me this favor.
My world has gone black, give me my colour
My knees are scraped, my hands hurt.
Praying to you God, a miracle have I sought.
Show me you love me, the love I hear about.
Give him back, I want him, I need him. I can’t go without.
I can’t cry, my mind is numb, help me.
My heart’s bleeding, do something, save me.
I can’t go through with this, i’m just a little girl.
Get me out of this dream, i’m just a little girl.
I’m still my daddy’s little girl.
Don’t let my daddy go away.
Please God.

RIP Ikana’s dad.
God knows best.

Au†ora

Despair 1

The 1st one.

Ecstatic, joyful, happy.
My best feelings of all.
Hyper-active, not even slightly grumpy.
Start of something new, end of the dull.
Things are starting to change, flowers dying.
People are changing, turning sour.
Save me, please, I can’t stop crying.
Depressed, losing hope, too young to cower.
But i’m me, still me, i’m scared of the future.
Life has started losing it’s meaning.
More pressure, no pleasure.
A broken past that needs fixing.
My words cease to rhyme.
Teach me how to be young again.
Save me from my tears.
The salt keeps entering my wounds.
Crawling on broken glass.
Blood, bleeding slowly.
Dying, blood and salt.
Losing the essence of my existence
Tug of war in my mind.
Old or young, let me know.
Confused, loss of words.
Letting go.
Eyes closing
Zeal, emotions heated.
Tired of trying.
This blade never looked so good.
My hand never looked so appealing.
Cuts, cuts, so red, so beautiful, so neat.
I love the pain, so orgasmic.
Red against my pale skin.
Crimson really, my life’s blood.
Flowing away slowly, body going numb.
Cold, so cold, fading.
Ecstatic, joyful, happy.
My favorite emotions.
Happy to go now.
Stiff, the pain is ebbing now.
Dying, dying.
Goodbye.

Au†ora

Despair 2

I wrote this for the art above, Drawing by BankyPhoenix

Happy childhood. Then it’s not.
Good memories, all lost.
Gut wrenching, so much pain.
No sunshine, more rain.
Lost hope, no smiles.
Stamina’s gone at the very last mile.
Words stop to rhyme,
Going numb but my heart is beating hard.
Tears come, the salt tells it from the rain.
The east and west repel me.
The north and south reject me.
I pray for the ground to swallow me.
The land into which I was born has refused me.
I have no way to go, nowhere to run to.
The last sane human, no one to turn to.
Tired, tired, everything makes sense now.
Little cuts, tiny ones, like i’m making a vow.
These blades start to speak to me.
Whispering a red lullaby to me.
So sharp, so sensual, metal against my pale hands
So cold, that tang, like rain in dry land.
The first cut, then many, blade through my skin.
Slicing like a hot knife through margarine.
It takes away the pain, slowly.
Fading from my mind, slowly.
Slice of pain, first of many.
No tears, so damn rainy.
I sing without pain.
Still no tears. Just this rain.
My symphony of bloody gongs.
A melody, my suicide song.

Au†ora