Promise

I want to club you over the head.
Hit you repeatedly until you start to lose your 5 senses.
I want you to feel pain.
I want you in tears.
I want you to bleed but not bleed out.
I want you to feel how I feel every time.
I want you to understand my helplessness when you scream at her and when she screams back.
To understand my heart rate isn’t normal because I’m tensed.
To understand I want to leave not because I hate you but because i love my comfort
Because peace is all I hope for.
But you don’t. You’ll never.
Because you’re so blinded by your act of playing victim to see me.
I’ve been dying from the very beginning.
And you can’t see it.
I came to bring peace.
But that’s what I seek most.
Born to make you happy
Yet that happiness is furthermost from us.
I’ve failed God.
You’ve failed me.
You can’t see what you’ve done.
You’ve ruined a good woman.
And that good woman has ruined me.
You’ve turned her into a shell of herself.
And she’s turned me into a clam.
You’ve turned her to the very thing you hate.
And she’s turned me to the person I hate.
But you can’t see it.
You can’t see her.
You don’t see her. You don’t even look.
She doesn’t notice. She doesn’t know.
For what you’ve done to her.
For every time you cussed her.
She cussed me.
For everytime you said she wasn’t good enough
She made sure I wasn’t good enough with her words.
For every time you put her down.
She put me lower.
Where’s the love now ?
I thought you promised forever ?
In sickness and in health ?
Your vices made you sick.
Yet she loved you, still loves you.
And in this love you mock her.
You make her regret her vows.
You make her cower in shame.
You say your hands are clean.
They are; our tears have no color.
Tears from your spite,
And tears from her smite,
Tears from all the people I turned away so I wouldn’t end up like you two.
The sins of the father have visited me.
God’s prophecies have come to stay.
His promise has not;
Honor your father and mother so your days on earth may be long.
This; have I done.
Yet I die everyday.
Slowly.
You’re killing Mother, Father.
And Mother is killing me.

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Catalyst

Day after day, months after month.
Waiting for it to get better.
It’ll be fine in the end they said.
There’s no end for me.

Spiraling in this black hole that is forever.
Aging at the speed of light.
Gotten old in the blink of an eye.
Give me my childhood back.

My laughter has turned to cackles.
A maid with false teeth and no smiles.
No aid. Stop explaining.
I’m fine. I’m perfect.

No tears for me. My soul has dried up.
Tear glands are clogged with dust from my brittle bones.
Bending over from the load.
The people I lean on grow weary of me.

I lend my cackle to the troubled so they might laugh. Making them happy.
I dance with my shaky knees to their amusements.  At my demise.
Dancing in the rain. Drops of my tears past.
Say hi to me; catalyst to your happiness.
Leaving in a bit so say bye to me.

I can’t

Choking up. Breaking out.
Can’t let it out. I’m dying here.
This place isn’t mine.
I’m running out of options.

Trying to change me.
Leave me and my inner demons.
My friends, my companions.
Your angels, don’t haze me.

Hate, so deep.
Withdrawal.
Tired of the pretence.
Going home.

These blades never looked good enough.
I’m leaving my body. My soul is unbalanced.
I can’t cry. These words won’t come.
Stuck in my head. They’re bleeding from my ears.

Crossed legs, closed eyes.
Sniffles and pain. Heartbreak and pins.
Salt lake on my face.
Alone. So alone.

Red so red.
Doesn’t. Can never.
Bind. Hopelessness.
I don’t have any more words.

Fuck you and your happiness.
I can’t claw out of this hole.
I’m dying. Alone.
I hate you. Just leave.
Leave me alone.

Empty

Alone. I’m so alone.
No happiness. No sadness
No emotions at all.
I feel nothing.
Sitting at the village square.
I’m human. Just another human.
Empty.

Alone.  I’m so alone.
No hugs for this palm tree.
No one loves nature anymore.
These tears can’t come. No moisture in me.
Understand me. You did this.
I’ve lost my words now. I have nothing.
Empty.

Alone. I’m so alone.
Blood does not bind. It clouds.
Help me. Pull me out.
I’m in too deep. Rolling in the deep.
Kindle a fire. I’m enshrined in ice.
In this igloo of indifference.
Empty.

Alone. I’m so alone.
You’ve robbed me of my innocence.
I’ve grown too fast. An adult of circumstance.
Cutting my black skin, red blood over my white knuckles.
Tiny slices, my body is drained of my life’s blood.
Empty.

Alone. I’m so alone.
Fire and brimstone. Evil and pain.
Eyes of insanity.
I wear my madness like a badge of honour.
It has become my shield.
These demons are here.  Hell is;
Empty.

Psycho

Because I love black.

Black pristine over gold goofy.
Warm tingly liquid all over me.
No blood on me. I’m no Buffy.
Black on black on black on me.

Down to my souls. bi-soular.
Polar ? Support to these people.
So serious, no bubbles, no cola.
Down, tense. Hope to the crippled.

Boiling over, inside out.
Black void, black blood.
Spilling over, cussing me out.
For all eternity, rolling in mud.

So silent, fluttering of moths.
Amplified quiet, white noise.
Crystal clear, barrage of thoughts.
Going under, in your river of joy.
Seeing black, on black, on me.

Autora

Beautiful

Can’t say the circumstances behind these words because I don’t know them.
I don’t know the source of these words.
I wrote this in like 1 minute.
I need your opinion on it.
Talk to me.

Beautiful, cold, dark.
Euphoria is intoxicating.
Silent as death, stolen screams.
Graveyard chills.
Are you intoxicated ?

Dragged in the night,
So black, air so still.
Slice through with your uncertainty.
Limp, dead weight on your chest.
Fear. Can you feel it ?

Moisture on your palms.
Zombie butterflies in your belly.
Weak knees, hyperventilating.
Chills down your spine.
Living to die ?

Dusk has fallen.
Dare to pick it up ?
The life you talk about. Dare to live it.
When the sun goes down.
Leave the protection of your shadow.

I can smell your fear,
You’ve never felt pain.
Ready for the ride ? Merge with me.
I’ll share my pain with you.
The chills, the fire, the agony.

One and the same.
Identical hearts.
Blood pumping at the same rate.
Same words, same stance.
“I fear no one, I am darkness.”

Daddy’s little girl

Ikana, I don’t know you really well but I know your pain, i’ve lost someone who’s like a dad to me, the pain just keeps going round your body. Numbing you, I don’t know.

Early morning drives to school,
Kissing skinned knees and acting tough.
Taking me out for a drive because I look sad.
Icecream on a Sunday afternoon after church.
Surprises out of the blues.
The best gifts.
My 5&6
Less nagging,
Lenient mind.
My first love, my superman, my hero.
My bestfriend, My father.

We’re little girls still,
Why should we suffer like this ?

Daddy’s little girl forever and a day
Please God don’t take my hero away
So lonely, so cold, tired of these songs
Play something else, get out the gongs.
Sing about me, I’m dying of pain.
My heart is breaking, going insane.
I want my daddy back, I want my hero back.
Can you hear me God, have you turned your back ?
Answer me, give me a sign, say something.
Don’t let me go, say something, anything.
I’m a sinner, forgive me, do me this favor.
My world has gone black, give me my colour
My knees are scraped, my hands hurt.
Praying to you God, a miracle have I sought.
Show me you love me, the love I hear about.
Give him back, I want him, I need him. I can’t go without.
I can’t cry, my mind is numb, help me.
My heart’s bleeding, do something, save me.
I can’t go through with this, i’m just a little girl.
Get me out of this dream, i’m just a little girl.
I’m still my daddy’s little girl.
Don’t let my daddy go away.
Please God.

RIP Ikana’s dad.
God knows best.

Au†ora