Promise

I want to club you over the head.
Hit you repeatedly until you start to lose your 5 senses.
I want you to feel pain.
I want you in tears.
I want you to bleed but not bleed out.
I want you to feel how I feel every time.
I want you to understand my helplessness when you scream at her and when she screams back.
To understand my heart rate isn’t normal because I’m tensed.
To understand I want to leave not because I hate you but because i love my comfort
Because peace is all I hope for.
But you don’t. You’ll never.
Because you’re so blinded by your act of playing victim to see me.
I’ve been dying from the very beginning.
And you can’t see it.
I came to bring peace.
But that’s what I seek most.
Born to make you happy
Yet that happiness is furthermost from us.
I’ve failed God.
You’ve failed me.
You can’t see what you’ve done.
You’ve ruined a good woman.
And that good woman has ruined me.
You’ve turned her into a shell of herself.
And she’s turned me into a clam.
You’ve turned her to the very thing you hate.
And she’s turned me to the person I hate.
But you can’t see it.
You can’t see her.
You don’t see her. You don’t even look.
She doesn’t notice. She doesn’t know.
For what you’ve done to her.
For every time you cussed her.
She cussed me.
For everytime you said she wasn’t good enough
She made sure I wasn’t good enough with her words.
For every time you put her down.
She put me lower.
Where’s the love now ?
I thought you promised forever ?
In sickness and in health ?
Your vices made you sick.
Yet she loved you, still loves you.
And in this love you mock her.
You make her regret her vows.
You make her cower in shame.
You say your hands are clean.
They are; our tears have no color.
Tears from your spite,
And tears from her smite,
Tears from all the people I turned away so I wouldn’t end up like you two.
The sins of the father have visited me.
God’s prophecies have come to stay.
His promise has not;
Honor your father and mother so your days on earth may be long.
This; have I done.
Yet I die everyday.
Slowly.
You’re killing Mother, Father.
And Mother is killing me.

Advertisements

Roses

Another one of my quick writings.
This one of for Barakat, one of the best writers I know.

I looked and looked and found nothing wrong.
I hoped for a flaw and picked nothing up.
God’s gift to me. Christmas in a human.
Who said damaged girls had no happiness ?

We talked and loved and all things nice.
We fought, argued and made up in the end.
My bestfriend, my soulmate, better half of me.
God bless you for loving me.

Date nights and movies.
Hugs and hidden kisses.
Back seat sex and protection.
I want it legal.

I said yes, we’re married now.
Living together, sharing each other.
I’m walking on sunshine
Could life get any better ?

No. Life is getting worse.
You’re changing, you’re blackening my face.
Every other day something goes wrong.
You’re killing me, you’re hurting me.

Where did all the love go ?
You promised forever.
I love you, I forgive you.
Thank you for the flowers.

The roses’ thorns draw blood.
I can’t cry, I’m out of tears.
I have no children to hold as I grieve.
My barren womb has rejected your seed.

More roses. Every other day.
The scents turn to odors.
It’s become a habit to you.
You’ve planted me a garden of sorrow.

I love you, I’d die for you.
I can’t leave you, you need me.
Hit me again and again.
Draw blood if it makes you happy.

Throw me further into this abyss of self hate.
I don’t need to love myself,
Loving you is enough for me.
You’re the reason for my existence now

My chest hurts, my heart is stopping.
I’m dying and I’m sad.
I’m sad because you’re crying.
Be happy, I can finally watch over you.

Heaven is calling.
Say your final words.
On the morrow I leave.
Do me a favor ?
Bury me with a single rose.

Catalyst

Day after day, months after month.
Waiting for it to get better.
It’ll be fine in the end they said.
There’s no end for me.

Spiraling in this black hole that is forever.
Aging at the speed of light.
Gotten old in the blink of an eye.
Give me my childhood back.

My laughter has turned to cackles.
A maid with false teeth and no smiles.
No aid. Stop explaining.
I’m fine. I’m perfect.

No tears for me. My soul has dried up.
Tear glands are clogged with dust from my brittle bones.
Bending over from the load.
The people I lean on grow weary of me.

I lend my cackle to the troubled so they might laugh. Making them happy.
I dance with my shaky knees to their amusements.  At my demise.
Dancing in the rain. Drops of my tears past.
Say hi to me; catalyst to your happiness.
Leaving in a bit so say bye to me.

I can’t

Choking up. Breaking out.
Can’t let it out. I’m dying here.
This place isn’t mine.
I’m running out of options.

Trying to change me.
Leave me and my inner demons.
My friends, my companions.
Your angels, don’t haze me.

Hate, so deep.
Withdrawal.
Tired of the pretence.
Going home.

These blades never looked good enough.
I’m leaving my body. My soul is unbalanced.
I can’t cry. These words won’t come.
Stuck in my head. They’re bleeding from my ears.

Crossed legs, closed eyes.
Sniffles and pain. Heartbreak and pins.
Salt lake on my face.
Alone. So alone.

Red so red.
Doesn’t. Can never.
Bind. Hopelessness.
I don’t have any more words.

Fuck you and your happiness.
I can’t claw out of this hole.
I’m dying. Alone.
I hate you. Just leave.
Leave me alone.

Red

This is a short story, I haven’t written anything in a while, just wanted to drop this here, it’s fictional so I’ll appreciate your comments. Thank you.

I’ve always been there, a statue, never changing, never moving, the ever-reliable Jo-Lynn, the last child of my parents, why am I like this, why was I born calm? There’s no fire in me, no anger, no passion, no desire to react, no zeal to be more why am I Jo-Lynn?
He hit me for the first time when I was six years old; a belt buckle is harder than it looks y’know? It can split your skin; you can feel the pain in your bones, why would she let him hit me like this? Did she hate me? Does she hate me still? I don’t know, I’ve never known, hate is such a strong word but appropriate, she watched him hit me, again and again and again with no plea from her, she said I deserved it, I was to be seen but not heard, why does he hate me so ? My brothers and sisters? They look at me with scorn and anger, with spiteful tears in their eyes, wishing me death, a fate even worse than death.
I am a product of rape, a mistake they said, a failed abortion, bad-blood runs through my veins, blood from a criminal, I think he has bad taste and was un-naturally horny, I mean my mother is no beauty, I look too good to be hers, apparently she doesn’t hide the details from me, he was fine I suppose, dashing even, my father I mean. They told me who I was or still am when I was ten, the real me, who my father was, I guess I don’t deserve love or kindness, I’m a mud-blood; dirty.
I got sent to school, very beautiful experience, I was a loner, be seen and not heard, I did just that, “never speak to anyone unless spoken to”, that was my motto. Valedictorian, Best graduating student, beautiful job, the hatred still from my family, the anger at my success, the pain at my joy,” keep moving, never stop”. My other motto.
It hurt to look at him, he was so handsome, so beautiful, I have no mama, and so no one warned me about his type, I was a virgin for lack of opportunity, who would want to do the class freak? He said the right words at the right time, did the right things at the right time, it was too good to be true, I don’t deserve this, this happiness, I’m a mud-blood, I bring anger, pain, sorrow, why does he love me? We would wait till my wedding night he said, sent from heaven, my husband now.
Ice-Lynn, he called me, “cold as ice”, he said. “So cool, so reserved, no passion, no fire, no response, even in our bedroom”, he said to his friends. “A bore to me really”. Ice melts, the dam broke, my ice turned to tears, his words kindled a fire in me, an unquenchable fire, I tried to learn, to please him, how does ice turn to fire in such a short time, no more numb, no more composed.
I got home early today, his car was parked outside, these shoes, they look familiar, so familiar… They were having sex in our bed, the whore, the whore who begot me, the whore who made me into ice, who killed all feelings I have ever had, she looked at me in the eyes and smiled, he hadn’t seen me yet, kept on going at her, like his life depended on it.
A belt buckle is harder than it looks y’know? It will crack a skull if hit with anger and rage, the blood, so red, beautiful color, someone said it shows confidence when worn, I was wearing red now, my husband kept looking at me, so quiet now, he was in shock I suppose, I started taking off my clothes slowly, wiping the blood from my hands on my cheeks, smearing the blood on my skin, now he can see the fire in me, the passion, we made love in her blood, smeared all over us, slowly, building up, then fast, then slow again, so much fulfillment, so much joy.
Death gives me fire, I need fire to keep my husband, have you offended me? Have you made me sad? If yes, then you’re on my list, might not be the next but you’re on my list still.

Daddy’s little girl

Ikana, I don’t know you really well but I know your pain, i’ve lost someone who’s like a dad to me, the pain just keeps going round your body. Numbing you, I don’t know.

Early morning drives to school,
Kissing skinned knees and acting tough.
Taking me out for a drive because I look sad.
Icecream on a Sunday afternoon after church.
Surprises out of the blues.
The best gifts.
My 5&6
Less nagging,
Lenient mind.
My first love, my superman, my hero.
My bestfriend, My father.

We’re little girls still,
Why should we suffer like this ?

Daddy’s little girl forever and a day
Please God don’t take my hero away
So lonely, so cold, tired of these songs
Play something else, get out the gongs.
Sing about me, I’m dying of pain.
My heart is breaking, going insane.
I want my daddy back, I want my hero back.
Can you hear me God, have you turned your back ?
Answer me, give me a sign, say something.
Don’t let me go, say something, anything.
I’m a sinner, forgive me, do me this favor.
My world has gone black, give me my colour
My knees are scraped, my hands hurt.
Praying to you God, a miracle have I sought.
Show me you love me, the love I hear about.
Give him back, I want him, I need him. I can’t go without.
I can’t cry, my mind is numb, help me.
My heart’s bleeding, do something, save me.
I can’t go through with this, i’m just a little girl.
Get me out of this dream, i’m just a little girl.
I’m still my daddy’s little girl.
Don’t let my daddy go away.
Please God.

RIP Ikana’s dad.
God knows best.

Au†ora

Change

These hands protected me, now you hit me with them.
These lips kissed my tears, you hurl bad words now at me.
Your fingers brushed my hair back, now you drag me with them.
Where did i go wrong ?
Why do you hate me so ?
You say it’s the last time and I pray for it to be.
I can’t be mad at you.
My heart won’t let me.
But you hit me again and again.
It hurts. I won’t lie.
But I love you, I love you so much it hurts.
Pain is pleasure.
I will endure,
But for how long ?
These tears keep entering my cuts.
Reminding me of your cruelty.
This pain and pity, it’s like cancer.
Eating away at my soul, killing me.
You killed our baby before she lived
With your fists, your hands.
The hands that held me while we made her.
You killed our future.
This is the last straw.
I’m too weak to fight.
I’m dying slowly, the pain is eating out my heart.
It seizes to pump blood.
The hurt makes me older and frail.
Bright lights have come to guide me home,
Home to our daughter.
I couldn’t take a stand, i’m taking a sit now.
In heaven if God pleases.
Goodbye.

Au†ora